Whilst flicking through my Scrabulous games on facebook, I noticed an advert that had the strap-line: “Married but Looking? Browse Profiles Anonymously, Flirt Online & Maybe More. Sign Up Free!” So out of some curiosity but more out of shock, I clicked the link. (Yes I know it’s a dangerous thing to do but I thought I could trust Facebook not to lead me to porn or virus infested sites.)
What I found wasn’t porn, nor virus downloaders, (thankfully!) but a site that advertised itself like this:
Married but Feeling neglected? In need of some excitement?
A discreet and confidential extra-marital dating service for women and men…
Whatever your reason, we can help. You may be locked in a loveless marriage, starved of attention and affection, partner away or too tired to pay you the attention you deserve, non-existent love life? Or just looking for some excitement in your life? But you don’t want to end your marriage either. Here you can meet people just like you, in absolute confidence.
At the time I was looking at the site it was telling me that there were over 400 people actually logged in using the site. I’m genuinely shocked, and that doesn’t happen easily. The fact that there are websites designed to assist affairs and not being subtle about it. And yes it is for actual affairs, not just for online flirting because I looked a bit deeper and discovered that they’re kind enough to give a warning:
WARNING: NOT EVERYONE IS SUITED TO HAVING AN AFFAIR. THEY ARE NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO WORKING ON OR ENDING A MARRIAGE. NOT ALL AFFAIRS HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON A MARRIAGE, SOME CAN BE VERY DAMAGING. ALWAYS CONSIDER OTHER PEOPLE AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, PLEASE SELECT YOUR PARTNER WISELY.
How good of them to warn us!
Admittedly, much of my experience of marriage counseling of any kind has been second hand, i.e. hearing the advice from my dad who is a Pastor. At the moment though I am counseling someone whose marriage seems all but over. The issue there was that in the marriage there was neglect that led to one party having an affair. It’s made the situation incredibly messy because the party that did not have the affair puts almost all of the blame on that act, whereas the party that did have the affair puts the blame predominantly on the lack of relationship even right from the start, though admitting the significant impact of the affair and repenting from it.
Now God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) and he commands against affairs (Exodus 20:14). I imagine most marriages will go through periods where at least one party feels neglected. The answer of course is to Biblically work through that and build on the love that was first there in Christ. (Easy for me to say I know, I’m not married yet!) But knowing that these websites exist scares me. It’s so much easier now for someone in the quiet of their own home to arrange and conduct an affair via the internet. I dread to think how it will impact marriages from here on.
May 6, 2008 at 1:17 pm
That is truly shocking! Even from a consequantialist standpoint I couldn’t believe that there would be good evidence to suggest that having an affair is helpful in any kind of marriage situation.
But then, I suppose that modern, secular views of marriage are far more fluid than Christian and biblical ones (dare I say that I’m not sure they are the same thing?), and that commitment and fidelity can be ‘for a time’, rather than ’til death do us part’. Marriage, it seems, is becoming more about the benefit that individuals might get from it, rather than as a vehicle to offer something to the person you love – even if you’re “locked in a loveless marriage” or “starved of attention and affection”.
Lord, open our eyes!
May 7, 2008 at 9:11 am
Just been on facebook and there was an ad for a private investigator service offering to ‘catch your cheating partner’! Conflict of interests, perhaps!
May 7, 2008 at 10:47 am
You know guys that these ad’s are sensitive to what you have in your profile etc. I get pretty much two ads. 1) For designing Church Websites 2) For ‘Arrested Development’ t-shirts. That’s it. Question is what you two have in your profiles?!?!?
More seriously, heck why not! Society de-values marriage so much nowadyads anyway. I’m just surprised the sort of people who’d use it would have gotten married in the first place!
May 7, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Forgive me for being cynical, but is this really such a surprise? OK, yes the blatant rhetoric of the site might raise an eyebrow or two (I suspect deliberately so), but given the ubiquitous self-centred nature in most of the prevailing worldviews these days, I’m not sure we should be that shocked. (Saddened, yes.)
I don’t know many (but admittedly some) people who don’t call themselves Christians who wouldn’t have an affair/one night stand/fling, etc. under certain circumstances, which are often qualified by a belief that if they are not hurting their spouse (by making sure they don’t find out) it would be ok, or even by the conviction shared by this ad that it could actually help to strengthen a marriage, etc.
And it must be said, let’s pray for grace – as Christians we are by no means immune to such destructive attacks of selfishness.
January 25, 2009 at 1:46 am
Just like being gay was considered a taboo in the past. Adultery will follow the same path. Lets face it relationships change and who are we to judge the actions of others.
January 26, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Carly, simply because God gives more significance to a relationship than we do! If you don’t accept that then fine, relationships go wherever you want them to and what’s to stop anyone and everyone getting hurt, children not knowing parents and so not having role models, society breaking down? What’s to stop multiple relationships with as many partners as anyone wants at any one time? to stop relationships with underage but consenting children?
July 10, 2009 at 1:45 pm
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August 30, 2009 at 11:53 pm
some married foreign woman bring them to england and abused and treat them like dogs…………were did the,love gone?